I'm hetero.

And I know this for a fact because I was rated by the Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter.

Not so Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty looks pretty darn va-va-voomin' when she's not costumin'! Damn. Hollywood got me again.

This is what happens at AdBrite

Ever wonder what the fine folks over at AdBrite do all day?



How is it that they can do these dirty deeds at work? Let's ask their fearless leader, Pud.



Yup. Pud's awesome. Awesome like Chipotle.



He is also easy, I hear. Easy like Sunday morning.



And in the running for title of ... Murder Victim.

Prude in Pollyanna

What is with the spring catwalks? Jeeesh, people. Get with the real-life Glad Game and take that Little House on the Prairie crap off. Women look stupid with big bows on their heads. And, now that I'm thinking about it, so does Pollyanna (and so do men). WARNING: If I see any of you "fashionistas" buying Chloe Crackle Triple Strap Pumps at Intermix ... the hills will not be alive with the sound of music.

Oxygen mask, please!

One of my favorite partners in party crime, Mr. Van Wylder, thought I needed to be grounded.

"KAC! It's time to stop FLYing and come back to Earth, where the real people live," he said just a few hours after stepping off the jet.



"Real people? You mean beer drinkers? Ergh!" That did sound like punishment.

I really didn't wanna leave the mile-high protection of Plastic Land, but I got my camo on, pulled on some boots (pedi protection!) and took off on the D.C. Dive Bar Tour: Destination - Chief Ike's Mambo Room.



As I cleaned off the old, crusty bar stool with one of my emergency Wet-Nap towelettes and ordered a drink, I really did feel as if I'd jumped outta 1st class sans parachute and landed right, smack-dab in a urine-soaked puke pit run by the devil.



Thank God for Napoleon -- within screaming distance of Chief Ikes. The bartenders there nursed us back to our reality (OK, well, me).



They people are really nice at Napoleon. They clean their basement - and stock it with champagne!



So unless you're big and strong like a Gold Cup Navy Seal parajumper (they drink beer, I've seen them do it), you might wanna skip that Ike-y icky Adams Morgan hub.



Apparently, it's where the anti-posh have landed.



Chief Ike's Mambo Room: Not for germophobes outta Purell, docs lacking latex, pilots sans O2 masks or plastic girls in Prada. And nothing like a pow pow!

Ladies: Thank bejeezus you're not Friday

Who names their bouncing baby girl Friday, anyway? Nobody.

If parents did, their poor teen-aged daughters would be living one hell of a high school nightmare. I can hear the jokes echoing through the steel locker-laden hallways as I type ...

"Thank God It's Friday!"
"Yo, Girl Friday! Bring me some coffee!"
"So where'd he take you on your date ... TGIFriday's?! Ha, ha, ha!"

Who created this God-awful name?

It's actually a variation on Man Friday, which was one of the main characters of Daniel Defoe's novel Robinson Crusoe. The name later become an expression used to describe a male personal assistant -- or servant -- especially one who is particularly competent or loyal, says Wikipedia.

So why don't we ever hear this Man Friday term? Maybe it's because Man tossed it out and made Girl his servant.

A true gentleman would have (at the very least) called her Woman Friday ...

Here's to the crazy ones ...

This is an Apple ad called Think Different.

It's one of my faves, well, because it makes me feel good about being nuts.

You've got a face for radio ...

Ahh, remember the Z104 Matthew Blades Radio Program? I miss that show.

Ergh, remember the "Outta Your League" contest, which involved me going on an all-day date with a *ahem* loser that involved a salon makeover, and then a night on the town? Remember my hound dog of a date? I. don't. miss. him.

Wow. I just listened to some of the my Z104 audio clips and have determined that I sound like a real self-centered biatch when I am on the air. Wait a minute. I am a self-centered biatch.

• Listen to one of my Z104 interviews here
• Check out Mathew's new radio home in Denver ... and give him a howl!

Speaking of howls, what kinda dog are you? According to this quiz, I am doggone Cocker Spaniel. Pfft! Whatevs.

It's not too late: You can still book Paris Hilton to host your NYE party (as if!)

So, I learned that Paris Hilton is outta work this New Year's Eve. What? Nobody wanted to skank in the new year? Aww. Too bad.

In other news ...

Some changes are coming in 2007 for the old KAC site, which will be down soon for a redesign.

Meanwhile, we've been celebrating the THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of this website! Yay!

If you visit this site often, you probably know that since its launch, I've been harassed, sued, stalked, used and abused. Thank God I resisted the urge to be on all of those reality TV shows. And that Jerry Springer Show with the pornstar that wanted to reveal his secret crush on me. Ugh. That woulda been very bad. So. Glad. I. Skipped. That. One.

One good thing that's come outta this mess?

Now we all know where Karl Rove gets his hair done ... people like to throw champagne at Diddy parties ... I am a klutz that does not look hot in scrubs and stilettos ... I drank more than I shoulda in Vegas (who doesn't?) ... and Paris takes stupid pics when she thinks nobody's looking.

Photo: Friends of Washington Socialites party like it's 1999.

Ahh, just like every lame-ass blog ... here's a year-end trip down memory lane ...

Yeah. I know ... When I'm tan, I do look like Geraldo's long lost daughter, er, I mean, wife.

Other things we discovered through WS.com and KAC.com ...

• In the name of charity, I put myself up for auction ... and one of my Internet stalkers called in a bid -- and won me. UGHGHGH!
  

• Ugh. Remember when I dated that idiot that got that stupid coffee maker for me? (I wrote that post and *had to brag* about him in because he was upset that I hadn't mentioned him on my blog. Blecch! "my boyfriend, my boyfriend, blaaahh!" I was too nice back then.


• Oh geez. This post about getting into The Mile High Club is wayyy too long.
  
  
• Blog Log. That's hot. So are the KAC readers on Blog Log (check them out, in the right-hand column). I just started that and need to add more readers to the community ... promise I will get to it soon!
  


• Ahh, remember when I thought it was a good thing to
  be in the Urban Dictionary? (It totally isn't, especially when your parents find that c$@p!)


• Oh. Never post dorky family stories -- or photos! Just some friendly blog advice. Ack!
  


• I still love this photo. :-)
  


• Yes. I really did fall outta SPANK's VIP area. Don't ask. Pfft.
  


• Remember the time I moved in with a guy, then wanted to shoot myself in the head? UGH! Stupid, Kelly, stupid
  
  
• My fascination with DC massage parlors. Eeek!
  


• Oh lord. Yes, I really had my hair cut off and bleached ... then I hung out with Philip Kaplan's Fucked Company groupies. ;-p
  


• X-calibre's post on the blog. Right before he got kicked off. I had dinner with him last night. That guy STILL likes to push my buttons!
  


• Oh, geesh! I was actually excited about gmail?! Dork alert! (But I am still using it.)
  
  

Yes, it's been twisted. But, what can I say? Attorneys love me. Then again ... so do pornstars.

Money, sex or power?

Sex, money and power control this world.

Flip on HBO, Cinemax or, hell, Lifetime Televison for Women and you will see that sex, money and power are at the core of our universe.

But what's life like for someone who lacks money, sex or power?

I feel sorry for the billionaire who can't get laid and the sexy chick with no brain power. And ... the cranky old man who can make men jump with the flip of an eyelid, but has never loved, makes my heart ache. *tear drop*

If you are not having sex, are you prudish or just fuggin' twisted? If you don't vote, are you powerless or apathetic? If you are having a lot of sex, are you a whore or just sore? If you have no money, are you lazy or lacking materialism?

What is going on with the staunchly religious and sexless woman ... and the man so consumed with power that he has never had the chance to enjoy his money? *grinch*

Do you feel compassion for the woman that lacks sexual prowess? Do you feel sad for the man who dances on street corners for change? Do you pity the nation with no power?

If you could only have ONE, which would you choose: Money, sex or power?